tiny little black book...

I carry this tiny little notebook in the pocket of my Bible bag. I jot notes in it from sermons or things that affected me during devotions, seminars, and even conversations. Today, I decided to look through it coz it's been a while since I've read through my notes. And one of the highlighted part caught my attention and it said, "People should not be drawn to God because of our "services" but that they should be drawn to God because of our lives." And I thought whoever said that was exactly right! It's the way we live that will bring glory to Him... it is what will ultimately witness to others and bring evidence to His goodness, mercy and love!

This past Sunday, at Bible study, we spoke about how recognizing our weaknesses and surrendering our daily desires and control of our lives to Him is the only way that He can truly truly help us. Often times, I think I'm doing something to help God along with the "fixing" of myself. Somehow I must've thought that I could "help" God change my sinful heart and worldly mind. When the truth really is I'm often times, if not always, hindering Him.

I've been on this journey of "trying" to change my lifestyle. I was very concerned that if I cannot be victorious in living the instructions of the Father then I would've failed in what I know God's purpose was for me... for us, which is to share His gospel by the lives we live. How can I possibly share and to testify about God and His health message when I'm almost 30 lbs. over weight! Yes, there is always that "vain" part of the deal. I can try to deny that but, really, who am I fooling?! But there is in me an urgency and a much greater importance than just weight but health. To be healthy by God's terms and not the world's. That I may glorify Him and be a witness inside out.

But you see, I've been doing it wrong lately. I realize that my "I" complex is becoming prominent again. There's been too many "I"s lately. I've been relying so much on my strength to resist temptation. I've been relying on the one person that can and will guarantee my failure and that is me! Instead of surrendering completely I merely give God temporary reign to my whole being until I feel more in control. When I don't feel completely helpless anymore, I often rudely grab the reigns back from God and say, "thanks, Lord! See you later!" I do this over and over and over again and every single time I can just picture the Lord calling out to me to just hold on and be patient and to let Him help me. But no, you see, I'm so arrogant and so superior that I know what's best... well no not completely... God told me but really I only half listened to what I wanted it to be and didn't even let God finish telling me what to do because I think that I already know what He's going to say! What a stupid and foolish girl I am!!! Not very smart, huh?! And it's so shameful that it isn't even me who cleans up after myself and pulls me back together but it's Him... it's Him who picks me up after I've fallen too deep and helpless.

I know that I need to be living and practicing what I believe and that this is important but right now... I really need to take a step back and re-prioritize. I need to focus on continuing (not "trying" because that word seem to sound like there is a doubt or an eventuality of failing) to practice and be more intentional about submitting myself to God. I don't think I've been really doing that. I need to not finish God's sentences for Him and let Him tell me, guide me and show me, one baby step at a time, how to truly submit to His will, His thoughts, His desires, His strength, His discipline, His path, and esp. His time. And somehow, I believe that as I practice this daily, He will put in me the kind of change and genuine passion for His people that I so greatly desire. Then I wouldn't need to "work" for the evidence that will manifest itself in me... in my life. And that evidence will draw people to God because they will only see what He has done in my life.

Back to G for Godly Trust.

Lord, my desire is to daily trust in You and to learn to completely surrender myself to You moment by moment of each day. And when I fall, Father, I will hold on to You and your promise that "... (You) who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6