I LIED!!!!!!!!!!

At my last blog, I said that it shouldn't be so hard to bring my calories lower but that was only a few days after I started. Well... I lied!!!!! It's so much harder because I have to be even more exact about my portions and my snacks! =( I struggled this week! My husband said, "Just keep going, give it another 3 weeks and you'll adjust to it." I know he's right but knowing doesn't make it easier or make me feel better!

Plus today I had a bad melt down. I had to dig up a gown for our Valentine's Banquet tonight and trying it on and stuff just made me really feel sad and just disappointed that I can't loss this weight faster (because I can't fit in my biggest gown!!!). I started thinking all that work and I've only lost 4.5 lbs. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and doubting that I can lose 56lbs.! It just seem so much to lose and so unattainable!!! Dressy events are really hard on me and I've got this banquet tonight and a wedding in May and guess what I found myself doing... I was CALCULATING how much I would lose by then and tried to visualize what I would look like (and I was telling myself that it wouldn't be enough weight loss!)!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I was just killing myself this morning. I was stabbing myself and twisting the knife!!! Why do I do this?! Does it work if I lie to myself and say, "this doesn't really bother me... it's ok?" does it?! This is precisely why I avoid events like these often because it just produces negative thoughts and feelings and overall just sets me back emotionally! But you know I'm TIRED of avoiding events... why the heck should I put my life on hold just because I can't cope with how I look in dresses?! The fact that I paid for this banquet 2 weeks ago without even caring or thinking about what I'm going to wear and how I will look is good! But all these negative thoughts and feelings just suddenly hit me this morning and I wasn't prepared to block it and I just fell apart. I'm just frustrated and I was asking God to help me change how I think and help me not fall apart everytime these events come up. I don't want to be like this. I want this journey to be about overall health and not just the weight. To develop good habits and let go of bad ones like putting myself down and devaluing the work I've put in. And most of all to change the attitude of faster is better... of instant gratification! I tried telling myself that it took months and years for me to pile on 56 lbs. and it will take just that... months and years to lose it but this morning I just wasn't listening. =(

After balling and feeling really pissed because I was putting myself down and putting little value on my hard work, I felt a little better. I went online to visit some sites that encouraged me a little. I know I have to have a longer talk with God and to just get my head screwed on properly esp. before the banquet tonight. I recognize too that I needed to get my comfort and encouragement from Him first before anything or anyone else. Tonight will be tough but I'm tougher so I won't let this eat at me!

A very wise lady said this... "Focus on how far you have come, NOT how far you have to go!"